i've been eating so much it's not even funny. later tonight i'm going out to eat for my mom's birthday. tomorrow i will start anew. i'm going to weigh myself & i know i'm not going to be happy, i feel like i've gained at least three pounds. my stomach is so big and fat. lately all i want to do is eat and eat. it seems to give me utmost satisfaction. once i touch one i have to have all of it, & i don't seem to get full until i've eaten an extreme amount. i cant fucking do this anymore, its getting me absolutely nowhere & wasting time. if i want to be skinny, i have to say no to food no matter how much i want it, or how good it looks. otherwise i'm just going to stay chubby like this forever. i'll never have my dream body, i'll never stop envying other girls, i'll never feel good enough for certain boys, i'll never want to show my body off, i'll never have that incredible confidence i've wanted for so long. i need to do this, & deep down i know that. i just can't keep choosing food over what i want the most.

109lbs.
fuck. last night i had cravings, & i gave in to them. it definately wasnt a binge, but obviously it was enough to make me gain back what i lost. im not being nearly as strict on myself as i need to be. ugh im so annoyed, i despise gaining weight.

food;
a little rice(100)
cheerios with milk(200)
melon peices & grapes
pasta salad(100)
rice with fish(240)
rice with chicken(240)
four mugs of assorted cereals with milk(600)
two croissants with chicken(400)

on the bus from school i was basically trying to convince myself to not eat anything when i got home. then i ended up eating almost everything i could get my hands on. then i fell asleep & its 10pm & i just woke up. i havent done any of my homework. that just sums up what a disgusting & useless pig i am right now.

108.4lbs.
sigh, i feel like my not-so-good moods are coming back. i just want to get this weight off. today i'm going to do better than yesterday.

food;
toast(100)
chicken(30)
bite of chewy bar & a curly fry(50)
rice(150)
mcdonalds(600)
milk
diet coke
930cals+.

109lbs.
rules for this week.
1. no more than 900 calories each day.
2. i must avoid thinking or talking about food, & i must only eat when i am genuinely hungry.
4. i must not touch or even think of touching any more of my halloween candy.
5. no soda, of course. lots of water.
4. no eating after six.

i must make 105 by this weekend. then i will let myself enjoy my chocolate.
this article, & this article are the shit. they inspired me so much. this week i'm going to practice utmost self-discipline. i will not fail.
~
today i felt really confident about my self-discipline tactic. i know this is going to work. i just need to keep remembering what i'm working towards. in video tech class, some of my guy friends asked me why i didnt bring my candy from trick or treating, & i said 'cause im on a diet. then one of them was like "what?! you skinnier than me, you don't need to be on no diet!" yeah, okay, whatever. i mean i know im not fat but my body is not pretty at all. i want a nice body.

food.
orange juice
icecream sandwich(170)
lean pocket(290)
beans(280)
milk
740 cals.